Sam Altman Comes Out as a Toddler

In a heartfelt statement released this morning, the OpenAI founder revealed that he is and always has been a precocious four-year-old boy. The announcement follows years of speculation about Altman's child-like aspect, which at one point led tabloids to rifle through his trash looking for juice boxes. "The wumors are twue," said Altman, though he added that some of the gossip went too far. "I'm not a baby who wears a diaper. I'm a big boy who only haves accidents sometimes." The accomplished tot says he will continue to lead his artificial intelligence company, though he acknowledges that employees may have to acclimate to his nap schedule.